HAS YOUR CHILD DIED?

          NOTHING in life is more devastating than the death of a child. It is what we parents fear most. How do you survive now that your worst fears are realized?

          Survivorship takes incredible energy and dedication to life. You are dedicated to life, even if you have forgotten that promise. You gave birth to life as a commitment to life. Now you must make a new commitment to live.

                Will I make it? Most parents do not believe at first that they will make it. Most parents want to die with their child. You are not alone if you are experiencing this kind of despair. What can you do?

          How can I cope? There are four major ways we as human beings cope with crisis. One is to learn as much as possible about what has happened. This means that you may have (if you have not already started) an intense need to find out everything you possibly can about;  How your child died, What was the exact nature of the disease or accident that killed your child?  How have other parents survived grief? What is grief? How will it affect other members of my family?

                This process of learning as much as possible about the cause of your child’s death and your own grief is called intellectualization. We talk about the need for information in WHAT WILL I BE FEELING? Intellectualization (the need for information) does give you some sense of control over yourself. You obtain some distance from your feelings which helps when your feelings are overwhelming you.

                Secondly (not in order of importance) is the apparent absence of feeling which we call denial in the service of hope. You r mind and body need and must rest from time to time. You will automatically “forget” about the death for minutes and later hours and then even days at a time. This may no seem possible right now but believe it is true. Hope is part of life and you will soon find that there is something to hope for even if it is a few minutes’ rest from your grief. Please be aware that it is all right to laugh in the midst of your tears. It is all right to love one another physically and emotionally and enjoy that love. Loving is part of your commitment to life. It is also very all right and normal to feel numb, to feel nothing part of your waking hors. Grief is exhausting and you need rest.

                Thirdly, the development of new “rituals” is important. You need something to count on in life right now, a way to get through the hours of each day. You had rituals before the death. You may have had your morning cup of coffee and paper at a certain time. You may have straightened a rug or painting on the wall as a habit during a certain part of the day. You may have prayed or walked or sang. Now you need to find new and different patterns in your life. You may wish to walk through your neighborhood or obtain a pet which needs a certain amount of care. You may find that establishing the ritual of writing or drawing feelings in a journal at a particular time each day is helpful.

                Fourthly, we cope through identifying with helpful others and helpful practices. We become the nurturing person we see in the doctor or nurse who took care of your child, the pastor or priest who talked with you, the surviving parents of another child’s death. Many parents have contributed tremendously to the community through activities and services which commemorate their child. Many parents reach out to other bereaved parents who touch them in a way no one else ca because they understand where you are and what you feel. Many parents can identify with people who tell them to express their feelings, to share their pain. All of these are ‘positive actions which can help you get through the days ahead.

                Do these feelings sound familiar? These four ways of coping are translated into many avenues by bereaved parents. These four ways of coping can help with guilt, the fear of loving, the feeling that life is now terribly uncertain, the feeling of being out of control, the terror that something will happen to someone else you love, the feeling of being a “bad” parent and a worse person. Do these sound familiar? They are common feelings experienced by parents. Allow those who are ahead of you to support you in the days ahead. COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS has a chapter in nearly every city in the county. They are groups of bereaved parents of children of all ages. Reach out to them and others who are willing to hold you.

Kahlil Gibran in THE PROPHET speaks of children as life’s commitment to itself. Your pain speaks of the meaning your child had and will continue to have in your life. Is there a greater commitment.