A better Place?

Saint Paul, Minnesota Chapter

"We Need Not Walk Alone"

In a better Place? Although some may find comfort in this I always felt a better place for my son and daughter were with me. Although I believe most people mean well, often times so called comforting words can be quite hurtful. I've decided to post some of these "heartfelt" words of wisdom that we could all do without.

Sometimes silence can be the most compassionate support of all! For a newly bereaved parent, some of these words of advise can be quite painful. Hopefully someday you all can look back and smile at some of these WORDS OF WISDOM

"He's in a much better place now."
His "place" was here for the 30-50+ years he lost. If he could have seen that his pain was temporary, he could have taken his time getting to that "better place."

"Well, you know that it's been more than (1 year, 2 years, etc.) now."
Sorry to be noncompliant but I'm still his Dad and will be forever.

"Try to only remember the 'good times'."
From a Mom at an SOS conference who remarked "I never had any other kind of 'times' with my son before he died."

"I supposed that now that you have a grandson it makes up for losing your son."
What perverse logic led to that conclusion? Actually the little guy often reminds me of what I've lost and what my son's missing.

"You need help. You really ought to see somebody!"
I'd really like to see my son again. That would help.

"I had a great Christmas with my family and all. Its really too bad that your daughter messed yours up!"
This was said to a mother whose daughter was murdered by a drunk driver. Parents who've lost children wouldn't wish it on anybody, but maybe there are exceptions.

"Well, at least he went out with a bang."
From a co-worker to the aunt of a 22 year old man killed by lightning.

"Good to see you back, time to get over it...the little missus has to realize that you can't spend all your time at home...you have to treat this like a military operational loss..." From a "superior" officer to a father who lost his infant son at age 4 days.

"It was his time."
Would that it be the "time" of anyone compelled to utter this one. No one who loses a child will be comforted by this statement.

"There was nothing anyone could have done."
Few suicide grievers find any solace in this throwaway line. Something damn well could have been done to save him!

"Did you know that he was mentally ill?"
No comment.

"He must have been very disturbed."
I believe that he was very perturbed. I'm the one who's disturbed by your ignorance.

"God wanted him more than you did."
I'd rather have heard: "He's with God now."

"Don't you think that you should be getting over it by now?"
This from someone whose most significant loss was her ninety-something grandmother dying at home with the family by her side.

"I know exactly how you feel."
If you haven't lost a child you don't have a clue, my friend.

"Why did you have to do it?"
Kevin who lost his young daughter to suicide told me how much he hated to hear this one resounding in his mind. I know what he means -- I hate to hear myself saying it, too.

"You know, you have to let him go."
No, I don't have to, and I never will. The part of him that lives in my heart will stay put.

"All that anger is keeping you from healing."
That might be true were "healing" an available outcome. Perhaps part of the anger is because I can't get over this. Take that back to your therapist for processing, okay?

"You've got to stop blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault. It was his free choice."
A suicidal individual in the throes of unimaginable suffering can make a "free choice" but I don't have the right to feel responsible for missing his anguish?

"Too bad that he wasn't stronger."
In the case of suicide, pain levels all. Experience psychache (intense psychological pain) and then talk to me about strength.

For More information about the Compassionate Friends, visit the national Web site at: www.thecompassionatefriends.org

Send mail to webmaster@tcfstpaul.org with questions or comments about the Saint Paul Chapter web site.