Fathers Lose Too

Fathers lose too, when a child dies, but there is so much about our lifestyles that makes it difficult for us to deal with those feelings of loss. Dads get caught up in other roles that tend to make us second to Mom in the parent picture.

Dad is generally the primary provider for the family. While Mom may be allotted time for matter related to children, few jobs make allowances for Dads. Nor do we usually allow ourselves time for our feelings, as we use our work to avoid the pain or grieving.

When our son Philip was born early Sunday morning, I left Jane and our son in critical condition at the hospital and drove forty miles to lead worship at the church where I was the pastor. I told myself I had responsibilities, but it was really a convenient excuse to avoid dealing with the fears and crumpled hopes.

Wife protector is another admirable role that we Dads adopt. When Philip died three days later, the doctor (on my instructions) called me at 4 a.m. so that I could get to the hospital to be with Jane when she learned of our son’s death. The time on the way there was spent planning how I could comfort her and very little with my own feelings.

In those days, what grieving I did was during solitary visits to Philip’s grave. But my feelings were becoming so entangled in my roles that when I found myself at the cemetery it was no longer clear to me why I was there. Only years later do I see the price I and my family paid, and continue to pay, for my roles.

The grief that was buried has taken much longer to work through, and healing has been prolonged and more difficult. Patterns of not sharing feelings then still plague our marriage and hinder me from giving myself fully to Jane. I still sometimes have to make the effort to unblock the ongoing grief of shattered hopes and dreams that is Philip’s death.

Father loose too, when a child dies. I am learning that we Dads need to let ourselves feel that grief and to express it and share it so that our roles don’t become a timely escape that leads only to deeper entrapment.

~Don Ray, TCF Jamestown, NY

For More information about the Compassionate Friends, visit the national Web site at: www.thecompassionatefriends.org

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