Ho Ho Holidays!

Saint Paul, Minnesota Chapter

"We Need Not Walk Alone"

HO HO Holidays'?

As bereaved parents, the holiday season just simply does not represent the holly, jolly, Ho, Ho, Ho that it did when our child or children were alive and celebrating with us. How can we bring back that joy, the feeling of a wonderful and hopeful Christmas and/or New Year’s event? We who have been left grieving and missing our child with a more pronounced ache that appears just before Halloween and gradually intensifies as Christmas approaches, then again dulls to a mild ache after New Year’s, often ask ourselves that question. We see all the signs that a Merry Christmas is about to take place in spite of our misgivings and sorrows. The stores have all the displays, the calendar shows a festive holiday scene, the radio plays all the seasonal melodies, people are wearing holiday décor like a proud badge, houses are decorated with wreaths & lights. All these outward signs are further visible evidence created to signify the “joyful” holiday season, yet we cannot muster up the holiday spirit in our hearts. How can we when the person we loved the most and want to spend the holiday with is no longer physically here with us? Another wreath, one more song, mixed in with our ornaments and decorations boxed away in the attic, are further proof to us that we just don’t have the holiday spirit and it’s going to take a heck of a lot more than lights, decorations, wreaths and songs to get us in the mood!

Society dwells on “home for the holidays” and “one big happy family” when it comes to images of where to spend the holidays, who to spend the time with, what favorite dishes to prepare, and what perfect presents to give. This image can be a burden to bereaved parents, regardless of whether it’s the first, third or tenth holiday without our child. But there are some survival techniques to make a holiday season comfortable and bearable, yet still with tears and laced with sadness. And that’s okay to be sad, even if the relatives who want us to be normal and move on don’t understand. With each passing year, we learn how to do what is right for us, in a situation that is so wrong, that of not sharing the holidays with our child, who was supposed to outlive us, who was supposed to inherit all the Christmas decorations & ornaments, and not the other way around.

As a parent of an only child, the holidays have been unique each year. James died in September 1997 at age 14. My husband & I merely survived that first Christmas, and not at home either. We don’t have any other children to decorate the house for, to be obligated to do some of the traditions & customs of the past and we won’t ever have any grandchildren to spoil and cherish. We gave up several traditions just because they hurt too much and that now seem meaningless without James here too. But on the other hand, we have been able to find some peace and blessings during the holiday season.

What has helped us? Establishing new traditions that have a connection with James and doing something for someone else are two things that have helped the most. Every year our TCF chapter has a candle lighting ceremony and as sad as it is to have this ritual that is a very realistic acknowledgment that James is not with us in the way we would prefer, it is also a comfort to be surrounded with other parents and feel the glow and love all the lit candles representing our children reflect. Every year there is a Festival of Trees, a fundraiser for Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta and this is the fifth year that TCF will have a Tree of Memory. I have made a donation each year to have an ornament for James included on the tree. I had always told James that we would go to the festival, but we never made it there. Now I attend the festival in his memory and am in awe of the beauty of the tree, and all the children represented. I want to stop everyone who passes by the tree and tell them about all the special children! Each year the tree is as unique as our children were and each year I think it is the most beautiful tree at the festival.

Being with other TCF parents on these occasions, sharing hugs and memories, showing my favorite Christmas pictures of James to those who really understand, who want to hear, who really care, helps me immensely. I also love to listen to their stories and memories about their child. This can be a long, lonely holiday but making the connection with other parents eases the sorrow to some degree. Try to reach out to other bereaved parents and don’t let you convince yourself that you don’t need anyone else or that you just will muddle through by yourself during this holiday season.

On the other hand, dealing with families during the holidays creates its own special stress level and this often happens without the burden of a deceased child. However, adding the sorrow of missing our child during festive family gatherings combined with all the other family issues, can often make for a very tense filled holiday season or day. Do what works for you. Do not let someone else talk you into what you “should” do and where you “should” be. Just because the calendar shows the 25^th of December as Christmas Day, does not mean that you have to celebrate it on that day. We have celebrated Christmas at our house on the Sunday before the 25^th and that has helped too. We no longer have the big tree in the living room (only a small one in the sunroom), we don’t exchange presents and we don’t spend hours cooking in the kitchen. We have simplified our holiday and cut down on the stress. It is so much more difficult for me to be with the rest of the relatives who still have their children and who even now have grandchildren and great-grandchildren. When I hear their conversations (often complaints) about the petty things in their lives, it makes me want to shake them and tell them how lucky they are to have their child and just let go of that petty stuff. But of course, those thoughts are kept to myself! Or they talk about their children and their successes in life and how I want to have my own stories to share about James, but all I have are memories from the past, which no one wants to hear anymore. I want them to say James’ name, to let us know they remember him too, and I tell myself of course they remember, they just don’t feel comfortable voicing it out loud, but still, hearing his name and/or a memory is the one gift I want the most and usually don’t get. So being with the entire family, even though we did have Christmas of ’99 at our home with all the relatives, is just too overwhelming for us. Being with relatives in small doses is what we’ve learned works for us. Do what works for you and sometimes finding that solution happens only after some failed attempts at what you thought would work and didn’t. That’s okay – learn from it and try something else the next year.

Most often, we have spent Christmas away from home and this is what works for us. We have spent Christmas at the beach and in the mountains. I learned how peaceful it is to be outside and enjoy nature & the outdoors instead of staying indoors all day long. We have found blessings in finding a special shell on the beach, watching dolphins swim by, seeing a spectacular sunset on the beach and rejoicing in all the wonderful memories we have of Christmas past while watching nature and being outdoors. As sad as it is that James is no longer with us physically, we feel his presence the most when we are standing on the shore, watching dolphins, sunrises & sunsets, or gazing at the mountain scenery feeling like heaven is right above us.

One of the biggest things that has enriched our lives, not just for the holiday season, has been hosting an exchange student. We have hosted three girls from Germany and one from Italy. Having a teenage girl in the house brings some laughter & conversation to our home, most especially during the holidays. We so miss having James here because Christmas has always seemed so much a “child’s holiday”. Without a child, Christmas seemed even more empty and hollow. But bringing back a few of our customs with James and combining them with some German & Italian customs lightened up the season in many ways.

There is no hard & fast rule for bereaved parents of what to do and where to go for the holiday season. An idea that may seem at first like it will fit, may fall apart & a new one will have to be created. Be flexible, and take care of yourself. If there is something you used to do for the holidays and others expect it of you, just be honest & tell them you can’t do that this year & you don’t know when or if you ever will be able to. Do something in memory of your child that makes a connection for you. Lighting candles while reading a poem before the family dinner, or writing a letter to your child and placing it in his/her stocking that still hangs on the mantle, or giving an anonymous gift certificate to a co-worker that is experiencing difficult financial times, taking a cruise, going someplace that your child loved, reaching out to someone else who is hurting, or even putting up a few decorations just because you want them visible and your child loved them too are just a few suggestions.

Remember that although the holidays may not hold all the Ho Ho Ho’s and all the holly jolly joy, as in previous years, blessings and comforts can be found in the littlest ways. And we who are bereaved, have learned it is these small blessings & comforts, (candles, smiles, hugs, sunsets) that can make a difference to us and bring us the spirit and love of our child most especially during this time.

May you share hugs, hope & love with those whom you love, may your child’s light & spirit shine most brightly at Christmas, and may peace & courage light your tomorrows.

Meg Avery, James’ mom

For More information about the Compassionate Friends, visit the national Web site at: www.thecompassionatefriends.org

Send mail to webmaster@tcfstpaul.org with questions or comments about the Saint Paul Chapter web site.