Love Never Goes Away

Saint Paul, Minnesota Chapter

"We Need Not Walk Alone"

"Why does it hurt so much? Why is this grief so incapacitating? If only the hurt weren't so crushing? Sound familiar? All of us have know hurts before, but none of our previous "ouches" can compare with the hurt we now feel. Nothing can touch the pain of burying your child.

Yet, most of us have discovered that the sun still comes up. We still have to function. We did not die when our child did, even though we wished we could have. So... we are stuck with this pain, this grief, and what do we do with it? Surely we can't live like THIS forever!

TIME... the longest word in our grief. We used to measure TIME by the steps of our child... the first word, first tooth, first date, and first car... now we don't have that measure anymore. All we have is TIME, and it only seems to make the hurt worst!

So what do we do? Give ourselves TIME... to hurt, to grieve, to cry. TIME to choke, to scream. TIME to be "crazy" and time to remember.

Be nice to yourself! Don't measure your progress through grief against anyone else's. Be your own timekeeper.

Don't push. Eventually you will find the hours and days of grief have turned to minutes and then moments... but don't expect them to go away. We will always hurt. You don't get over grief... it only becomes tolerable and livable.

Change your focus a bit. Instead of dwelling on how much you lost... try thinking of how much you had. Try letting the good memories come over you as easily as the awful ones do. We didn't lose our child... He DIED. We didn't lose the love that flowed between us... it still flows, just differently now.

Does it help to know that if we didn't love so very much, it would not hurt so badly? Grief is the price we pay for love. And as much as it hurts, I'm very glad I loved! Don't let death cast ugly shadows, but rather warm memories of the loving times you shared. Even though death comes, LOVE NEVER GOES AWAY!

--Darcie D. Sims TCF San Antonio, TX

For More information about the Compassionate Friends, visit the national Web site at: www.thecompassionatefriends.org

Send mail to webmaster@tcfstpaul.org with questions or comments about the Saint Paul Chapter web site.