Saint Paul, Minnesota Chapter

                                                "We Need Not Walk Alone"

 

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Holiday Help
Christmas is hardest
Ho Ho Holidays!
Coping with Holidays
Thankful or...
Those Difficult 1st's
Giving Thanks
Gift for Ourselves

Season of Lights, season of love & peace
Season of shadow, season of memories
Season of warmth & joy,
Season of secret tears

Give us the courage to laugh again
Give us the vision to hope again 
Give us the power to love again
For all our new seasons, And all of our new years

~Sascha Wagner

 

Reflections of a Mother's Day Denied
by Michelle Parrish, Columbia TCF Chapter, Baltimore, MD:

On this, my first Mother's Day, I asked myself, Do I have the right to
celebrate Mother's Day? Have I truly been a mother this past year? The answer
is yes.

Each day I have cared for my child as every mother does, except differently.
In every way  possible I have mothered him.

I have mothered him with every tear shed; through the agony of longing to
hold him. I have rocked him in my heart if not in my arms. I have kissed his
little cheeks in my mind if not with my lips. Smelled his sweetness with my
hopes if not my nose. Felt his skin with my memory, if not my hands. Tickled
him with my wishes, if not with my fingers.

Am I a mother? I truly am. My physical mothering has been limited to lovingly
tending his grave. But I am a mother all the same.

Thinking of all us moms this weekend, and always,

 

HALLOWEEN AND BEYOND
Shirley Corrigan, BP/USA of North Texas

I was preparing to go out to purchase candy for the "great pumpkin day," when I
thought of other upcoming holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, and New
Year's Day. These days can threaten us bereaved families so much. This year
marks the fifth holiday season since my son Douglas' death and I still have a
fleeting desire to run and hide. Although last season was not as terrible as the
one before, I know I'll shed tears again this year during some lonely and sad
moments. These are very private moments of grief for me now.

For those of you who do not attend support meetings, our group's newsletter may
be the only link you have to other bereaved parents. Please take time for
yourself during these holidays. Take time to cry and to be alone. Refrain from
taking on assignments from others who cannot know your exhaustion. Ask for what
you need. I know it is tough h to tell someone else that you hurt and need
something from him or her. But you need not pretend to be okay when, in fact,
you are not. An honest request will usually be met with at least some sort of
understanding and helpfulness.

Healing is a slow process requiring much work. You know those who say that time
will heal all wounds have never experienced great loss. What they do not
know...and cannot know...is that grief work is not just the passage of time, but
the pain, the suffering and the struggle to reclaim a full life which occurs
over time.

Time is not the healer; it is your own effort, your own strength, and your own
determination that makes healing possible. Take all the time you need to heal
your spirit and your will to live again; be good to yourself. Remember the
healing is possible through your effort and determination, not simply the
passage of time.

~reprinted from BP USA Oct/Nov/Dec 2004 Newsletter
 http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org

 

HOLIDAY THOUGHTS

For those who think that Christmas and Chanukah are just nice days to give and get presents, bereaved parents have another message.  Mixed with the joy is the knowledge of sadness.  With the hope of birth comes the threat of death.  We should not try to cover up our sadness in front of people, for we have a lesson to teach them.

But the holidays have a lesson for us too.  Yes, there is death.  Yes, there is great bitterness in life.  There is darkness.  But there is hope.  There is birth.  There is light.  In a society which works so hard to deny death, perhaps only bereaved parents and a few others can truly understand the depths of these holidays.

~Dennis K. (TCF – St. Louis, MO)

 

Holidays

The long holiday season in winter has its very special shadows and burdens. There is a greater intensity in our life with family or friends, so that tucked-away feelings do resurface.  You find out once more that any one intense emotion, like affection, tenderness or pleasure, triggers most of our other intense feelings.  Some heavy thoughts of failure may play behind the songs and darken your holiday lights.

Give yourself permission to grieve, in spite of the bright and "happy" season.  Let yourself remember the child you lost.  Celebrate, in silence if you must, the memory of that child.

Your heart will be consoled by your tears.

~Author Unknown

 

Giving Thanks

I cannot hold your hands today,

I cannot see your smile.

I cannot hear your voices now,

my children, who are gone.

 

But I recall your faces still,

the songs, the talks, the sighs.

And story times and winter walks,

and sharing secret things.

 

I know you helped my mind to live

beyond your time with me.

You gave me clearer eyes to see,

you gave me finer ears to hear,

What living means, what dying means,

my children, who are gone.

 

So here it is Thanksgiving Day,

and you are not with me.

And while I weep a mother's tears,

I thank you for the gifts you were,

and all the gifts you gave to me,

my children, who are gone.

~Sascha Wagner

 

CHRISTMAS THOUGHTS

Beyond the twinkling lights, the red and green candles, the poignant aroma of evergreen...Beyond the Christmas trees, the angels, and stars and beloved carols...Beyond the presents, the shopping, the baking and cooking...Beyond all of these sights and sounds of Christmas...Beyond all of these...there is hope.

Hope...It is hope that sustains us though the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased.  The hope is that someday our smiles will be real.  The hope is that once again we will laugh and love and cry completely without fear and hollowness.

It is the hope that someday we can remember our children with a tenderness merely tinged with sorrow and not overwhelmed with it.

So it is that for each of you I would wish hope, peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing, and listening.

In the sharing of our grief with one another and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and learn of all of these gifts.

~TCF Wabash Valley Chapter

 

HANDLING THE HOLIDAYS

Christmas and Chanukah, two holidays rich in tradition and intimately connected with children, are often especially difficult for bereaved families.  What you do or don't do may depend on whether or not you have young children or grandchildren who should not be deprived the joy of the holidays can bring.

Try to finish shopping well in advance so that you are not inundated by holiday displays and music which the stores seem to initiate earlier and earlier each year.  You might want to shop by catalog or the internet.  Take advantage of the people who said to let them know how they can help and ask them to shop or do holiday chores for you.

In consultation with your immediate family, decide which traditions you wish to keep and which you may want to change.   As you progress in your journey through grief, you may find that you are able to reinstate some traditions you could not handle in the beginning.

Do things at different times or in different places if that works for your family.  You may want to observe the holidays by yourselves, rather than take part in large gatherings.  If you do take part in family or other gatherings, feel free to mention your child if you want to.  If others are uncomfortable, it's their problem.  Do not let them make you feel guilty for talking about your child or crying.  You might want to explain in advance that this is a difficult time for you and that talking about your child and even shedding some tears are necessary for healing.

Memorialize your child in some way.  Light special candles; have a special Chanukah menorah; fill his or her stocking with messages of love; have a special tree or decorate the tree with special ornaments; buy presents for a needy child of the same age; make charitable donations; volunteer in a hospital or homeless shelter.

Try attending a TCF or other memorial service.  While difficult, this may allow you to express your feelings in a caring and comfortable atmosphere.

Savor any moments of happiness as a special holiday gift.  Your children would not want you to be miserable.  Honor them by remembering them with love.

~Stephanie H. (TCF – Rockland County NY & North Palm Beach County, FL)

 

Winter song

Season of lights, season of love and peace

Season of sorrow, season of memories

Season of warmth and joy, season of many tears.

Give us the courage to laugh again

Give us the vision to hope again

Give us the power to love again

For all our new seasons

For all our new years.

 ~Sascha Wagner from Winter sun

 

JUST FLOW WITH THE SEASON AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

We're well into November and it's almost time to take the "January Pill".  After Tricia died I decided I'd invent a pill you could take the week before Thanksgiving and when you came to, it would be January!  I'm still working on the invention.  In the meantime, I know many of you are already dreading the approaching holidays.  The true spirit and meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas are not necessarily exemplified by some of our "traditions".  You are re-evaluating many aspects of your life so let this also apply to the coming holidays.  You will not feel as you do now.  You will find joy in holiday activities, but maybe not in all the things you once thought so very important.

Flow with the season and with your sadness, knowing strength will come as you work with what you can do without overtaxing yourself.  Resolve to be as generous with your energy as you can and as selfish as you have to be to protect the emerging person you will become as a result of your loss.  This person can be truly beautiful and loving because of what you have learned through grief.  You will miss your child; no magic potion can wipe the pain away.  Enjoy what you can — you deserve some pleasure.  And may some measure of peace overtake you before this year ends.

~Elizabeth E. (TCF – Augusta, GA)

 

TO YOU AT CHRISTMAS  
 
If I could do what're I want to do  
To make complete your Christmas-Day,  
I would not bring a single thing to you,  
But I would come and take some things away.  
I'd take away all trouble from your heart,  
Each pain and sorrow I would have relieved;  
And every word that caused a single smart,  
And every hour through which you sadly grieved.  
I'd have them all be gone - forever gone  
Forgotten like the things that cannot be  
And then each hour would be a joyful one  
For only good things would be left, you see  
Now that is what I'd really like to do,  
If I could do the things I wish for you.  
 
~Author Unknown  

 

THANKSGIVING WAS...
 Thanksgiving was always an easy holiday. Unlike Christmas, there was no pressure  of giving just the right gift. Thanksgiving Day was a day of family gatherings  and good food. Late that afternoon, we would return home full from over eating  and satisfied that our family relationships were intact. It is also a day that  we are reminded of all that we have to be thankful for.
 
 We are supposed to be thankful for our health, our families, our comfortable life, etc. The death of a child changes our perceptions. When the family gathers around the Thanksgiving dinner table, I now see a missing plate that no one else sees. (Of course, when I say "no one", I exclude Bren and Kim. I'm sure they see, hear and wish what I do, although probably at different times.) When the nieces and nephews are laughing or crying, I hear a voice that no one else hears. When a family member recounts a story about something his or her child did last week, I wish I had a story to tell.

We still have much to be thankful for, and we should remember that. But, now,  Thanksgiving Day has an additional observance for those of us who are bereaved.  It is a day of forgiveness also. We must forgive others who cannot acknowledge  the missing child, for whatever reasons. If family and friends cannot understand  us, then we must try to understand them, especially on holidays. If we can  exhibit tolerance, forgiveness and understanding on a day on which we  offer thanks, we can climb another step on our ladder to recovery.

Hope you have a forgiving Thanksgiving.
 
 Jim Hobbs
 BP/USA Denton TX
 ~reprinted from East Central Indiana, Miami - Whitewater TCF Newsletter Nov/Dec  2002

 

"Merry" Christmas

I question if Christmas can ever be "merry"
Except to the heart of an innocent child-
For when time has taught us the meaning of sorrow
and sobered the spirits that once were so wild.

When all the green graves that lie scattered behind us
like milestones are marking the length of the way,
And echoes of voices that no more shall greet us
have saddened the chimes of the bright Christmas Day-

We may not be merry, the long years forbid it,
the years that have brought us such manifold smarts,
but we may be happy, if only we carry
The Spirit of Christmas deep down in our hearts.

Hence I shall not wish you the old "Merry Christmas"
Since that is of shadow less childhood a part,
But one that is holy and happy and peaceful,
The Spirit of Christmas deep down in your heart.

 ~Author Unknown

 

 

Iowa Christmas Carol

The days have turned to winter one more time,

The light behind your trees is pale with snow -

That glow of giving gifts and singing songs

Soon comes to warm the season and the heart.

And I try sending Christmas thoughts your way

To fill your house with comfort and with peace.

But most of all, I hope and wish that you

Will not be hurt too deeply, or too long.

Sascha Wagner, Nino and Eve's mom

 

Like a tree in winter

Which has lost its leaves.

We look ahead to spring

For new growth and the warmth

Of the sun to heal the pain in our hearts.

 Let us make January a time

To reach out to each other.

And give the warmth of our hearts,

And in return,

We will all show new growth

~Pat Dodge, TCF/Sacramento

 

NEW YEAR GOALS

by Mary Cleckley, TCF Atlanta, GA

The holidays are over and I bet you're glad about that.  You did make it through, though, and by now maybe some of the stress of that powerful time has left you.   Next year, you will find you have learned from this year, no matter how many years it has been, and I hope it will be easier for you, too, in the years ahead.

If you made New Year's resolutions, I hope they include:

-   To try to take it one day at a time.

-   To forgive yourself for whatever it is you feel you did wrong.

-   To figure out ways to resolve your anger so you can let go of it.

-   It concentrate on and value what you have let go as much as what you have lost.

-   To let those you value know how important they are to you.

These are important steps forward.  Try to be good to yourself in the New Year...

 

LISTEN
The new year will arrive again at midnight.
Your mind is heavy with remembering.
Your heart must ache before another chance
to quarrel with the emptiness of time.
Yes, the new year will walk in again at midnight.
And can you hear it speak of comfort, waiting,
of open doors and brighter rooms to enter,
of deeper meaning and of greater hope?
The new year will arrive and begs you:
listen.

~ Sascha
From her book, The Sorrow and The Light

 

New Year
The New Year comes when all the world is ready
for changes, resolutions - great beginnings.

For us, to whom that stroke of midnight means
a missing child remembered,
for us the new years comes
more like another darkness.

But let us not forget that this may be the year
when love and hope and courage
find each other somewhere in the darkness
to lift their voice and speak:
let there be light.

"The Sorrow and the Light" by Sascha

 

For More information about the Compassionate Friends, visit the national Web site at: www.thecompassionatefriends.org

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Last modified: 5/15/2010