THOSE DIFFICULT “FIRSTS”
I remember New Year’s Eve, December 31, 1994.
Nina loved any opportunity that called for a celebration. She invited a
couple of her high school friends over, planned games, tried some new
recipes, and bought her customary bottle of sparkling apple cider to drink
out of plastic champagne glasses. Nina rivaled Martha Stewart when it came
to her enthusiasm for entertaining! Her friends stayed overnight and their
joyful laughter could be heard well into the wee hours of the morning.
Luckily, I have such a sweet, pleasant memory of what turned out to be the
last New Year’s Eve with our Nina.
Because of those “Lasts”, we are faced with
the “Firsts”. With only two days left of the year 2000, I was tempted to
write about New Year’s resolutions. However, since I make my resolutions on
the 1st and notoriously break them by the 2nd, my credibility is definitely
in question! But since Monday will be January 1st it seemed like a good
time to mention what for many of you will be the beginning of those
difficult “Firsts.” - the first holidays, first birthday, first death
anniversary, the first family vacation without your child, and so on.
Unfortunately, this is an area that I am qualified to write about because,
of course, I have “been there.”
I know that, in particular, those who are
newly bereaved face the new calendar with apprehension because of those
“Firsts.” Whether there is a major holiday in that month or not, each one
brings its own emotional challenges. For those whose children sadly died
before they had memories of what their child had done the year before, the
calendar speaks to them of shattered dreams and hopes that died along with
their child. For the rest of us, it is the bittersweet recollections of
years’ past. With February comes memories of hand-made Valentines with
childlike scribbles of “I love you Mommy & Daddy.” Maybe March brought
attempts at kite flying and April dying Easter eggs. May and June with
Mother’s and Father’s Day and the stab of pain in your heart that your child
is not here to celebrate such important days with you. Fourth of July
celebrations and summer vacations, school clothes shopping, the excitement
of meeting new teachers and new friends. In October carving pumpkins and
trying to decide what costume to wear trick or treating. And then right back
to those most painful of months where in a short time span we are thrust
into family-centered Norman Rockwell-like celebrations of Thanksgiving and
Christmas where our loved ones who are missing are so conspicuously absent.
When we enter in our child’s birthday and the anniversary of their death it
is frankly overwhelming. It is no wonder that at each bi-monthly meeting we
hear the same words spoken over and over again, “This has been a very hard
month.”
I cannot imagine facing these “Firsts” without
the support of The Compassionate Friends. I sadly think of even a few
decades ago when there weren’t any groups like TCF to assist those whose
children had died. Those unfortunate parents were only allowed the time of
the funeral to grieve. Then the expectation was, especially if they had
other children, to get on with their life for those surviving family
members. They buried their child and many times, because they weren’t
allowed to, never spoke of them again, as if they had never existed. They
didn’t have other bereaved parents to walk the grief path with them and to
validate that what they were feeling was “normal” , for us, anyway. They
didn’t have another mother or father who had been down that same path
available to tell them that though the “Firsts” are difficult, most often
the anticipation of the day is worse than the day itself. They didn’t have
the veterans of TCF to assure them that they too would rediscover the
ability to laugh and find reasons to live again.
Though it is unrealistic to think that the
holidays and any of the other special days will ever be the same again, I,
and so many others in our group of The Compassionate Friends are here to
tell you that they do gradually become easier to bear. Undoubtedly, the
holidays will always be tinged with sadness But we, who have made it past
the “Firsts” and the “Seconds” and beyond, are present at each Compassionate
Friends meeting, or only an e-mail or phone call away. We want to help, in
any way that we can, those of you who are on this grief journey. Please
remember always - you are not alone.
~Cathy Seehuetter, TCF – St. Paul, MN
